Overall this is an good draft. You do many things right here and I think most of the elements you need are here. Your message is somewhat muddled.
I think you talk about the general need for this app, but not the impact. If I use this app, how do I get to places faster. You talk about it as an excuse. I’m not persuaded its going to tell me the truth, and the benefit is catching my employees lying to me. The consequence is I can give my employees warnings. That doesn’t make me want to invest. Getting my people to work faster, happier, and on-time, and knowing when they will arrive, or that everyone made it safely to work, I’d pay for that.
I like bullets. Use bullets, smaller phrases:
- Fixed assessment purchases $50,000
- Appdevelopment $50,000
- Marketing $25,000
I don’t have a clear idea how you make your product and get it into peoples hands. What’s your marketing strategy. I might be an investor who hasn’t invested in apps before, so I have to understand what you are making, how it is marketed, why people pick it over something else.
You mention revenue and income, but I don’t see what you are selling and how is buying? What is your business model?
Take another shot at addressing these ideas, get it own to two pages, and we will talk about them more when we meet. I’ll revise the grade following your next revision.